The City of Resignation
I feel small looking at the galactic filaments of Laniakea, facing the sea and the mountains, I've felt like an insect in a storm during a meeting with a company's salespeople, and today I feel tiny beneath the cold gray sunset as I descend the steps of the small plane that brought me to the city of resignation.
I have a lingering scent of rum in my nose. I don't know how I've managed to resist the urge to smoke during the four and a half hours of the flight. I can't imagine why I don't feel like smoking. A calm that astonishes me to the point of perplexity keeps me standing on the ground under the cloudy sky and pushes me to get in line to retrieve my bags without first asking some idiot (who will look at me reproachfully when I ask) if he knows where I can smoke.
Could I have died? Is that thing about hell really true? I’ve read somewhere that when one dies, one sees one's entire life flash before one's dying eyes, and also that the dead retrace their steps.
<<I lived here before, I've returned, get ready, city of resignation>> I tell myself, holding a suitcase in each hand and a backpack on my back that weighs as if it were filled with wet sand.
I've been remembering those times all day, from the moment I woke up until I got in the taxi and the hypocritical taxi driver said, "Welcome, doctor, I'm at your service. Where do you want to go?"
<<city of resignation (I almost shout out the taxi window), I'm here>> I think as we drive along the airport road, which is elevated five meters above the lagoons on either side of which breed mosquitoes and shrimp of export quality and size.
From the air, I saw the lake, its perpetual fires, and the dry, completely mummified river with its concrete bandages. Studying, reviewing, or returning to the past: thirty percent of literature deals with that subject; the other thirty percent is about traveling or at least predict the future; almost all of the rest of literature is boring tales of love, lust, and desire.
The train tracks must already be more than a meter in ruins beneath the slow avenue where the house is. There's my cousin, next to the door, on a seat leaning against the wall, painstakingly and professionally smoking a cheap cigar.
My plan is simple:
"Hi, I'm Panda Papa’s dad. Do you remember me?" I'll tell him.
He probably won't recognize me because he already have forgotten all about me, and he'll come out with something like:
"I think you made a mistake"
So I'm going to take out my .38 caliber revolver that I inherited from our common grandfather, I'm going to pretend to load a single bullet, spin the cylinder a few times, point it at his forehead, pull the trigger just once, feign disappointment, and I'm going to pass him the revolver feigning resignation, and after the idiot has pulled the trigger more than twenty times, I'm going to tell him that we need to look for a more reliable and modern weapon.
Then I'm going to take out my X-ray-transparent plastic knife, hand it to him, turn my back on him as if carelessly, and since the idiot is going to use it as a dagger to stab me and not as a sharp one to slit my throat, I'm going to wait for him to break it against my bulletproof armor. That's when he'll invite me to talk like civilized people over a beer with three pills of Snow-White's-Sweet-Dreams in the most expensive bar in town. But since I have my veins stuffed with antidotes and vaccines, we'll get drunk, and when the waiter gives him the bill, apologizing because they're about to close, I'll tell him I'm paying and ask him:
"Do you really not remember me, dear cousin?"
Surely happy to have found someone capable of accompanying him on a drunken binge and who also pay the bill, he'll tell me he's never forgotten me and He's going to invite me to the bar of a hardworking, honest businessman who doesn't close until the last of his customers has had enough drinks, and I'm going to let him take me to the bar he inherited from my uncle, and when he suggests that I hand over all the weapons to the innkeeper, I'm going to do everything he wants except for the nine-millimeter semi-automatic I always carry in my shoulder holster.
That's when the idiot is going to ask me my name again, and I'm going to tell him very slowly my name, and if he still doesn't remember me, I'm going to let the entire fifty-shot magazine go off in one continuous burst.
Fortunately, he wasn't any younger than me, he was my cousin's eldest son and he recognized the last name. My cousin had died of liver cirrhosis over ten years ago. He had inherited the bar and was embarrassed to give his employees permission to beat me up. Disappointed, they dropped their bats and machetes and wanted to join the family reunion, but my cousin's son wouldn't let them either. Then he had to take me to the cemetery to get over the annoyance of me insisting on greeting his dad.
He sadly watched as I wasted a bottle of rum on his father's grave. Although I had already paid for it, it shouldn't be wasted, especially with so many insolvent drunks around. He made me understand this with conviction as he licked the tombstone.
“You were right” I yelled at the grave and the sky because I didn’t know if my late cousin’s soul was up or down.
“You probably got lucky because you weren’t very smart. You always told me you could bet me a million that one day I would get tired, give up, and return to this shitty city, and that you were going to wait for me to get drunk until I fell asleep and then steal all the money I had in my wallet, so when I woke up I would have to go to the bank to pay you back.”
“I came back, but I won because you died first. I’m tired, resigned, and bored, but I’m going to die far away from here” I yelled, looking alternately at the ground and the sky.
My cousin's son insisted on accompanying me back to the airport when he'd resigned himself to the fact that I didn't want to be a guest in his home. He very kindly recommended some traditional handicrafts that a native woman was selling on the airport platform. I bought him a bow and arrows in a quiver.
"Don't believe her if She told you the arrows have curare in them" he warned me.
I didn't mean to tell him I would never take that risk.
Li Tao Po
VABM Apr/28/2025
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